Bedtime Fury Page 4

“You cannot curse people willy-nilly like this,” I said.

  “I would curse someone just for using the phrase willy-nilly,” Grandma shot back. “You’re not the boss of me and you never will be. I don't care how many badges you pin to your body.”

  “I can't believe this is all because I didn't want to take the Day of Darkness photo,” I said. “The punishment seems disproportionate to the alleged crime.”

  “I don't mind driving you into town,” Aunt Thora said.

  “Eden would never go into town looking like someone filled her head with helium,” my mother said. “She’s too vain.”

  “I’m vain?” I echoed. “Who’s the woman that refused to wear a hospital gown when she got her tonsils out because it made you look fat.”

  “It added at least ten pounds,” my mother snapped. “It wasn’t remotely flattering. And the color was dreadful.”

  I felt my resolve strengthen. I wasn't going to let their shenanigans pull me down. “You know what? You’re not going to win this time. I’m going to go about my day like any other.”

  Grandma snickered. “Good luck with that.” She shuffled back to her room.

  Princess Buttercup, my beloved hellhound, bounded into the room and whimpered at the sight of me.

  “I know,” I said. “I’m sorry. I’ll be back to normal tomorrow.” I grabbed my keys and handbag from the counter. “I’m going to work now. I suggest staying out of my way for the next twenty-four hours.”

  I went to the car in the driveway and opened the door. It wasn't easy to maneuver myself into the driver seat. I banged the top of my head twice on the way in. I managed to start the car, but before I could reverse out of the driveway, a knock on the window startled me. Mrs. Paulson stood next to the car in a powder pink jogging suit. I rolled down the window to greet my elderly neighbor.

  “Good morning, Mrs. Paulson. Is everything okay?”

  Her eyes popped at the sight of me. She seemed unable to form words. “What… You look…”

  “I guess you’re talking about my face,” I said. “It's an allergic reaction. I’m heading to the doctor’s now for a steroid solution. It should be back to normal tomorrow.”

  Mrs. Paulson breathed a sigh of relief, but I noticed that she maintained a safe distance. “I just came by to ask if your aunt’s lemon trees have improved.”

  Aunt Thora’s lemon trees and Mrs. Paulson’s cabbages had both been affected by the borer demon.

  “Much better, thank you,” I said. “And your cabbages?”

  “Back to normal,” she replied. “I hope your head does the same.”

  I tried to smile, but my puffy lips made it awkward. “Thanks.”

  I backed out of the driveway and drove into town.

  I needed to do my daily check on the portal, so I parked as close to the hill as possible. If I could keep the number of people seeing my bobblehead to a bare minimum, I’d consider it a success. My mistake was failing to check my surroundings before opening the car door.

  “Agent Fury?”

  I whirled around and nearly lost my balance. “Chief?”

  His eyes widened when he got a better look at me. Achilles’s reaction was even worse. The pug dropped to the ground, rolled over, and played dead.

  “I had an allergic reaction,” I blurted.

  “To what?” he asked, once he’d recovered his power of speech.

  “Shampoo,” I lied. I almost said ‘hair color,’ but then I didn’t want him to think that my hair was really gray and picture me as an old lady.

  “I’ve never heard of anyone being allergic to shampoo,” the chief said.

  “It was an organic brand I’d never tried before,” I said. “I’m allergic to one of the ingredients.”

  “I’m sorry this happened to you.” His expression reflected concern and a hint of something else—revulsion? Right now, I was so mortified that I wanted to open the dormant portal just so I could run through it and never return.

  “It should clear up by tomorrow,” I said. Assuming my family was to be believed.

  “That’s good,” the chief said. He seemed to notice the pug’s position for the first time. “Achilles, what are you doing?”

  The pug rolled back to his feet and barked.

  “I frightened him,” I said.

  “He’s being silly, that’s all,” the chief said. “The more often we patrol, the more tricks he learns. People have started to carry treats in their pockets in case they run into us.”

  “That’s sweet,” I said. I doubt they’d do that for Princess Buttercup. She was too intimidating in her Great Dane form. I could only imagine how people would react if they saw her true form. My hellhound and I had more in common than I realized.

  “Do you want to get the dogs together when you’re less…bloated?” the chief asked.

  Inwardly, I cringed. The chief would never forget the image of my enormous head. Maybe it was for the best.

  “That would be nice,” I said. “Why don’t you check with Corinne and let me know when you’re both available?”

  “She’s pretty busy with Magic Beans,” he replied.

  “Still, she might want to join us.” Mostly so she doesn’t think I’m trying to insert myself into their relationship.

  Chief Fox saw right through me. “Agent Fury, you and I are friends, aren’t we? And Corinne and I…Like I told you, it’s very casual. If I want to spend time with another woman or ten other women, it’s perfectly acceptable.”

  Ten other women? Underwear model abs or not, that was pushing his luck. “Trust me, Chief. You do not want to scorn a LeRoux.”

  He waved his hands. “There’ll be no scorning. Promise.”

  “Have you kissed her?” I slapped my hand over my mouth. Why did I ask a question I most certainly did not want to know the answer to? Of course they’d kissed. They were single adults. Let’s face it, he and I had kissed and we weren’t even dating.

  The chief chuckled. “For someone not interested in me, you sure seem interested in the particulars of my personal life.”

  My chest tightened. “Our jobs, Chief…”

  He didn’t let me finish. “I know, I know. You don’t have to explain again. I’m only giving you a hard time because I like your expression when you’re annoyed and frustrated. It’s cute.” He cocked his head. “Well, maybe not today with that oversized noggin.”

  “Way to make me feel self-conscious.”

  “What are you doing out here anyway?” he asked.

  “Stretching my legs,” I said. “Verity said fresh air would help reduce the swelling faster.”

  “You should walk along the promenade. Better views there.”

  “I might. I thought I’d start here at the park.”

  “Too bad you didn’t bring Princess Buttercup.”

  “I came straight from the office,” I lied. “I should probably take that walk now, so I can get back.” As much as I wanted to keep talking to Chief Fox, I didn’t want this enlarged version of me to show up in his nightmare tonight. The sooner he forgot, the better.

  The chief seemed disappointed. “I need to get back and do some paperwork. My least favorite part of the job.”

  “Same,” I said. “I’d much rather be out in the field.” As far as the chief knew, I made a living fighting cybercrime. “But somebody’s got to stop ransomware in its tracks.”

  “Shoot me a text when you have a date in mind…for the dogs,” he added hastily.

  “I will.” I continued to stand there awkwardly until he and Achilles disappeared around the curve of the sidewalk. Then I dashed to the mound and took a quick look around before slipping inside.

  The portal pulsed as I approached it. The fact that it was dormant didn’t stop it from spewing magical energy. I checked for any changes. It was always a relief to find nothing noteworthy. If a day came when that changed, I had no idea what I’d do, other than call FBM headquarters in a panic. My office needed a red button to hit in an emergency. If the portal eve
r became active again, Chipping Cheddar was doomed.

  “We need a contingency plan,” I told Neville, upon arriving at the office.

  The wizard looked up from his phone screen. “In case your head never shrinks?” I’d warned him about the curse in advance so that he didn’t freak out when he saw me. I didn’t need my morale crushed any further today.

  “No,” I said. “In case the portal ever reopens.”

  “Oh, my. Have I not shown you that?”

  “Shown me what?”

  He opened the drawer of his desk and rifled through the contents until he found what he was searching for. He walked over and dropped a red booklet on my desk.

  “You made me read hundreds of pages of guidelines about trivial matters like not leaving the lights on overnight and costing the FBM money, but you forgot to show me this?”

  Neville grimaced. “When you say it like that, it does seem like quite the oversight.”

  I opened the booklet and scanned the pages. “Have you read this?”

  “Of course. Ages ago.”

  “So long ago that you’ve forgotten the emergency protocol?”

  Neville scratched his head. “Um, no. Of course not. How could I? It’s the main reason we have a satellite office in Chipping Cheddar.”

  “You’re stalling while you try to remember, aren’t you?”

  His finger jerked in the air. “We have to alert the section chief at headquarters. That’s first.”

  “How?”

  “With a…phone?” he offered weakly.

  “Is there an emergency contact number?” I asked. “What if it’s after office hours?” Of course it would happen after office hours. When else would a catastrophe occur?

  “You should familiarize yourself with the booklet.”

  I gave him a pointed look. “Sounds like you should, too.” I skimmed the contents. “There are measures we have to take.”

  “Like what?”

  “Evacuation.” It was a last resort, but if demons started pouring out of the portal, then evacuation was the only option.

  Neville’s cheek twitched. “It’s highly unlikely.”

  “Agreed, but it’s something we should discuss every so often,” I said. “Run through a drill in the event we have to actually do it.” I paused. “It’s a shame the FBM doesn’t bring the mayor into the fold. Her help would be invaluable in a crisis.”

  “Depends on who the mayor is during an emergency,” Neville said. “Yes, Mayor Whitehead would probably make a wonderful ally, but what about her successor? If we make it official, we could end up hexing ourselves in the foot.”

  “You’re right, Neville. I hadn’t really thought about it that way.” I paged through the booklet. “Still, if there was a way of bringing Mayor Whitehead in without making it official…”

  Neville slapped the booklet closed. “She’s a human, Agent Fury. It would be as damaging as telling the chief.”

  “But why do we think that?” I spun the chair to face him fully. “Do we not trust them? Do we think they’re so weak that they’ll crumble?”

  “It’s for their safety, too,” Neville said.

  “You sound like my family,” I grumbled.

  “The supernatural council exists for a reason,” Neville said. “We exist for a reason. We don’t need to draw in law enforcement or the local government.”

  “Unless there’s a crisis that requires evacuation.”

  Neville blew air from his nostrils. “Preparation is the key to success. Familiarize yourself with the procedure and I’ll do the same.” He patted my shoulder. “I wouldn’t worry too much about it, though. Agent Pidcock used to say that the odds of a dormant portal reopening were less than the return of the dinosaurs.”

  I arched an eyebrow. “Had he seen Jurassic Park? That science is solid.”

  He returned to his desk. “Any leads on the other client Handel visited when he was in town?”

  “Not yet. I’ve been too busy having my head blown up the size of the Hindenburg.” I drummed my fingernails on the desk. “Do you think we should leave a listening device in Rosalie’s office?” Part of me didn’t want to be privy to any sounds emanating from her place, no matter how useful.

  “I considered it, but, as a witch, I worried she might be able to detect any magical items I left behind.”

  “Good point.” And I didn’t want to be on her bad side. “I guess I could ask Corinne if she has any ideas. She’s had direct contact with Handel, too.”

  “You’ll wait until your head is back to normal, won’t you?” Neville asked. “No reason to give her customers a fright when she only recently reopened.”

  “Fair enough.” I didn’t want to leave it too long, though. If the mystery client knew more about Handel’s travel plans, we might be able to track him.

  A cat’s meow emanated from my phone.

  “What on earth is that?” Neville asked.

  “A text from Clara.” Clara Riley had been my best friend all the way through high school until I left for college and then the FBI. We’d drifted apart, mainly because I was determined to keep my distance from all things Chipping Cheddar. Obviously, that didn’t work out quite the way I planned.

  I quickly scanned the text. “Double-decker crap sandwich. I forgot I told Clara I’d meet her at the diner.”

  “You could always cancel,” Neville said. “She’d understand if you told her…what happened.”

  Clara knew the truth about my family and wouldn’t be surprised in the least to learn that my own mother had hexed me.

  “No, I said I wouldn’t let my family get the better of me today and that means sticking to my plans.” Unfortunately, Sassy was with her, which meant my former high school nemesis would get a close-up view of my swollen head.

  I squared my shoulders and steeled my pride against any impending attacks. If there was one thing I knew, it was that big-headed girls don’t cry.

  Chapter Five

  A small group was assembled outside Gouda Nuff when I arrived, and I immediately recognized the white head in the middle.

  “Grandma, what are you doing here?”

  “I should ask you the same thing,” Grandma said, motioning to my head. “You shouldn’t be allowed outside looking like that. You’re scaring the children.”

  I reeled back. “You’re the one scaring the children. Look at them. They’re too frightened to say anything.”

  One little blond boy had tears in his eyes. “She always wins the battles. I’m never going to win one if she keeps playing.”

  “You’re playing Little Critters again?” I asked.

  Grandma hunched over and glared at the boy. “I have every right to be here, same as you. If you don’t like it, go battle somewhere else.”

  “Go get a job,” one of the older boys said. “Then you won’t have so much time to play our games.”

  “I’m over eighty years old, you little punk,” Grandma said. “What kind of a job do you suggest I get? Lumberjack?”

  “That’s not a job,” the blond boy said. “That’s a lifestyle.”

  A teenaged boy was fixated on me. “If I stick a pin in your head, will it deflate?” he finally asked.

  “Seems to me there’s already a leak,” I said. “All I feel right now is hot air.”

  The teenager frowned. “I can tell that’s an insult, but I’m not sure why.”

  “Shouldn’t you all be in school?” I asked.

  “It’s lunchtime,” the teenager said, as though that explained it.

  Grandma gave a triumphant cry and the children moaned.

  “What just happened?” I asked.

  “I pulled a diffee on them while they were distracted by your big head,” Grandma said with a note of pride.

  “A diffee?” I repeated.

  “It means she got one over on us,” the teenager said. “Dude, don’t be ignorant. Use the urban dictionary like everybody else.”

  “She won again,” a little girl whimpered.

>   Grandma leaned down to address her. “This is life, kid,” she said. “Not everybody gets a trophy.” She held up her phone, victorious. “But this witch is undefeated…”

  “You really are a witch, aren’t you?” the little girl said.

  “You have no idea,” I murmured. I escaped the crowd and entered the diner, where I ran smack into Deputy Sean Guthrie.

  “Oh, terrific,” I grumbled. There were days when this town reminded me of an obstacle course and this was one of them.

  The freckled redhead took one look at my bulbous head and I braced myself for the onslaught of insults. Sean and I had attended high school together but we’d never been friends, unless you counted a continuous exchange of barbed comments as a friendship.

  “Are you okay, Eden?” he asked.

  I laughed. “You’re even becoming lazy with your insults. At least compare me to the moon or something.”

  His brow creased as he continued to examine me. “Does it hurt?” He reached out to touch my head and I smacked his hand away.

  “It’ll be fine by tomorrow,” I said. No need to explain.

  “That’s good news,” he said, though his voice was flat.

  “Are you okay?” I asked.

  “Life is good,” he said. “Take care, Eden.” He continued past me and out the door.

  I stared after him for a moment, unsure what to think.

  Sassy caught my eye from a corner booth and waved. If you’d told me a year ago that I’d be voluntarily socializing with Sassafras “Sassy” Persimmons, I would’ve said you were on the brink of a mental breakdown. Sassy was the reason for my breakup with Tanner Hughes, my high school boyfriend and first love. Incredibly enough, the two of them were still together. Although their happiness seemed questionable from where I stood, that wasn’t any of my business.

  “Hey, girls,” I said, approaching the table.

  Clara’s mouth formed a tiny ‘o’ at the sight of me and Sassy’s pleasant expression evaporated.

  “What do we do in this situation?” Sassy asked. “Are we supposed to acknowledge the Elephant Man in the room?”

  “I had an allergic reaction,” I said. I slid into the seat beside Clara. “Something my mother gave me. I’ll be fine by tomorrow.”